


In A Safe Place

by gunpowderlatte



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas, Eruri Secret Santa 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-08 00:48:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5476946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunpowderlatte/pseuds/gunpowderlatte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To the residents of this town he calls home, Levi will just be their mailman. </p><p>(In which Erwin moves into the neighborhood and breaks a routine)</p>
            </blockquote>





	In A Safe Place

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jammcakes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jammcakes/gifts).
  * Translation into Bahasa Indonesia available: [Di Tempat yang Aman](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5728684) by [ariniad (devvari)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/devvari/pseuds/ariniad)



> For [Jamm](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jammcakes/pseuds/jammcakes/) / [drowsydragon](http://drowsydragon.tumblr.com/)! ♥ I was her secret santa for the Eruri Secret Santa 2015 Exchange. She wrote that she adored AUs so I decided on one that tries to stick with the holiday spirit. Jamm, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I have had writing it. Happy holidays! ♥

\- + -

 

On his birthday, Levi drives the mail truck through eight inches of snow to deliver last minute packages that couldn’t quite make it in time for Christmas Eve.

It’s freezing, his boots are soaked through and he can’t feel his fingers or toes anymore; but he sees the smile on the children’s faces and the relief of their grateful parents behind them— _And it’s worth it_ , he thinks, and wipes the snow off his lashes.

After making his final delivery around eight, Levi returns the truck back to the post office lot and heads to the local supermarket down the street. They sold out of his favorite green tea cake this year so he settles on a slice of chocolate that’s a little stale around the edges having been the leftover from earlier that day. He lets the girl behind the counter put it in a butter-stained cardboard box—“Merry Christmas,” she says—and takes the hour-long bus commute back to his place.

At home, Levi warms up in front of the halogen heater before opening up the carton where the cake has shifted messily inside. He digs in and is pleased to find it isn’t bad at all.

He doesn’t light candles or sing birthday songs to himself. He doesn’t need any of that, really. He isn’t sad that he’s alone again on Christmas, on his birthday; he hasn’t been for a long time. It’s just that for some reason, eating cake makes him feel better, but he’s not sad.

 _White Christmas_ , he thinks as he chews on a bite of cake. He looks outside his window and thinks to himself, _I’m lucky I guess._

Levi turns thirty but no one is counting.

\- + -

 

They stopped counting when he turned eighteen, when he aged out and didn’t matter anymore.

So instead, Levi counted the steps he took to walk out of the orphanage, holding onto a single suitcase in one hand and a one-way ticket to nowhere in the other.

\- + -

 

“I’m sorry, but Mrs. Clark doesn’t live here anymore.”

“Oh.” There’s a bit of an awkward silence that follows before the other man is extending his hand.

“My name is Erwin Smith. I’m the new resident at this address.”

He eyes the hand warily before reluctantly shaking it. “Levi. Mailman.”

Erwin Smith chuckles lightly. “So I figured, with the blue uniform and all. It’s nice to meet you Levi. I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”

“Yeah,” Levi replies bluntly. He hates small talk. “Have a good day.”

And he dashes back to his truck before Erwin Smith can say anything else.

\- + -

 

Every month, Levi spends $25 on cat food for a stray he’s named Emanon. Levi lives on the second floor of a two-family rental and the gray tabby jumps up to his balcony each night for her meal; however, no matter how many times Levi will try to coax her into his apartment, she never comes in. It makes Levi sad to think that at one point, Emanon had a family judging by the tattered old collar she wore when he first met her three years ago. He wonders what happened to them.

When Levi returns from his shift at six, he sees Emanon already waiting outside, her tail curling eagerly in the air. He fills up her metal bowl with some wet food and walks out to the balcony where she immediately greets him by brushing up against his pants.

“Where do you go during the day?” he asks as he watches her eat. “Or am I just one of the many people you ask for food?”

Emanon licks her bowl clean and purrs happily as Levi takes this chance to pet her. But when she’s decided she has had enough petting for the night, she jumps up the balcony ledge and hops down to the nearby fencing effortlessly like she’s done so many times before. He watches her go before returning to his kitchen to make himself a small meal for one.

He leaves the news playing in the background as he eats his dinner, then washes the dishes and cleans up around his kitchen. He takes a hot shower, irons his uniform for tomorrow before climbing into bed. He reads a book for an hour or two and when his eyes start to feel heavy, he sets his alarm for six.

It’s a comfortable routine he’s come to embrace after the few tumultuous years outside the orphanage, but there are still the occasional sleepless nights like tonight. And when these come, all he can do is stare off into darkness, where free from any distraction, all he’s able to do is think.

And so, he thinks about Farlan and Isabel, wondering about their lives as adopted siblings, and thinks about a life he could have lived too if their parents had decided that three would have been a better number than two.

He thinks about his boss, Pixis, and the few coworkers like Mike and Petra who try and reach out to him; thinks about good-hearted strangers he’s made fleeting connections with; thinks about Erwin Smith, the lone man who lives at the end of the cul-de-sac, who looks at him with kind eyes whenever he’s there to accept his package.

He thinks of all the relationships that could have worked out if only Levi didn’t find apathy to be so much easier.

To the residents of this town he now calls home, Levi will just be their mailman.

And he’s okay with that.

\- + -

 

Sometimes, the weatherman gets it all wrong in the morning news and forces Levi to trek through his route without his rain gear. He hates being wet, but if there is one thing he hates even more, it’s soaked mail and he mentally apologizes to the residents as he places crinkled mail in their post boxes.

“Dammit,” he curses, hurrying around the corner. His shoes slop unpleasantly against the pavement as he rushes towards his next house. 

As he’s trying to shove a bundle of mail into an already over-hoarded mailbox, someone calls his name from behind him. He turns around but the rain has drenched his bangs over his eyes and all he hears is a familiar voice saying, “Here, take this.”

Wiping the water from his eyes, Levi sees none other than Erwin holding an umbrella over his head.

“What?” Levi gapes. “No, I can’t accept this—”

“Please, I insist,” Erwin assures gently. “You’re the one who needs it more.”

Speechless, Levi takes the umbrella, watching pellets of heavy rain staining the beautiful navy of Erwin’s blazer.

“Thank you,” he manages to say.

“I’ll see you around, Levi.” And Erwin’s smile is like sunlight. “Get home safe.”

He nods mutely as Erwin takes off down the street, his hand shielding his eyes from the rain. As Levi stands under the umbrella watching him go, he doesn’t notice the contents of the mailbox spilling onto the wet lawn below.

\- + -

 

Levi squints at the messy scrawl on the post-it placed over the doorbell. It reads: _Please go around the back for any packages or mail that need to be signed._

He considers just leaving the umbrella in Erwin’s mailbox but decides it’s probably the polite thing to do to thank Erwin in person. So he reluctantly walks over to the backyard where he sees Erwin tending to some sort of leafy bush, wearing a grubby looking white tee and baggy sweatpants. It’s a stark contrast to the tailored suit he was wearing a few days ago.

He walks up behind Erwin and uncomfortably clears his throat to get his attention.

“Hey,” he starts awkwardly. “I came to return your umbrella.”

“Oh! Hey, Levi.” Erwin stands up, wiping soil on his pants and making Levi wince. He takes the umbrella, saying, “I hope it served you well.”

“It was a bit cumbersome to carry around. But yes, it kept me dry so thanks.” He then adds, “You really didn’t have to though.”

Then Levi notices that whatever Erwin was cutting from the bush was piled up inside a wicker basket.

“What the hell are those?” Because Levi is genuinely curious.

Erwin glances to where Levi is pointing. “Oh these? These are Pumpkin on a Stick. Mrs. Clark left behind a bunch of them when she moved. They are actually eggplants but make for great autumn decoration.” Then he rubs the tip of his ear and says, “Uh, don’t eat them though. Trust me.”

Levi blinks. “Sure. Anyway, I have to go. Thanks again.”

“Wait, do you want to take some?”

“What?”

Erwin crouches over to the wicker basket, pulling out a few branches of the plant and handing them to Levi.

Staring blankly, Levi asserts, “I came to drop off your umbrella, not accept more favors.”

“Well, these aren’t really favors but they’ll look nice on your dining table.”

And so, Levi goes home with a bundle of the ornamental eggplants. After giving them a quick rinse, he digs out an old vase from his cabinet and places them inside. Heeding Erwin’s advice, Levi sets it upon his dining table and looks at it for a while.

“Not bad,” he muses.

\- + -

 

When Levi was ten years old, a man came to visit him.

“I’m Kenny. Just Kenny. I knew your mother,” he said. “Never knew she had a brat though.”

He came to visit Levi at the orphanage several times after that, each visit being some of Levi’s fondest recollections from his time there. Kenny was always well-dressed and charming, sneaking in little bags of candy for Levi that made him feel special. He would tell exciting stories of all the fights he had won since they last saw each other, showing off new scars that fascinated Levi. While the crude language Levi had come to adopt early on in his life probably came from him, Levi liked that he was never treated like a child.

Because in young Levi’s eyes, Kenny was the coolest person he had ever met.

“So when am I going home with you?” asked Levi one day. “I’m sick of being here.”

Kenny then took off his hat and placed it over Levi’s head, where it fell over his eyes.

“I’m not fit to be a parent, little guy,” he heard Kenny say.

And Levi didn’t quite understand what Kenny meant by that, but after that day, Kenny stopped showing up.

It took him years to finally realize and accept that Kenny never planned on adopting him in the first place. He would spend a long time wondering what it was that made him so unwanted while familiar faces around him went home to newfound freedom. Before long, the concept of hope became something akin to a drug to him—something that gave him temporary comfort while terrifying him at the same time.

Eventually, Levi found that life outside the orphanage held an unexpected kind of freedom. In a way, life outside wasn’t so different after all. 

It’s why Levi thinks he will always be torn between a part of him that can’t help wondering if he will belong to someone one day, and another part that will always be reminded of what happens when he starts hoping for things beyond his control.

And maybe that’s why Levi ends up on the corner of the street where Erwin lives, holding two cups of coffee.

And maybe that’s how he is able to convince himself that he isn’t surprised at all when he sees a woman, tanned from an obvious vacation, heft three children one at a time into Erwin’s arms and—

“Mama, pick me up next! I wanna hug Papa too!”

The coffee that seemed so significant only moments before becomes nothing but just that—coffee. So Levi doesn’t feel anything as he throws the still-steaming cups into the trash bin on his way back home.

When Pixis requests his route to be switched with Mike’s soon after, Levi accepts; and as the months go by, Erwin Smith fades into a part of his heart reserved for all the things of the past, tucked away with others who have come and went in his life—people like his mother, Kenny, Isabel, Farlan and nameless ex-lovers—and let’s his life move on just like it always has.

\- + -

 

It doesn’t snow this year on his birthday but Levi’s truck does break down in the middle of the shift.

“Never a dull moment,” he mutters to himself as he futilely tries to restart the engine.

He switches on the hazard lights and exits the truck, opening the back to see the few packages left for delivery. Considering if he can walk it, Levi mentally calculates when the last package can be delivered, fretting over the distance between each address. He calls Pixis but his boss doesn’t answer, likely well on his way into festive imbibing.

Levi eventually decides on calling a tow truck and letting Pixis deal with that headache in the morning. He stacks the ribbon-adorned packages neatly into a large burlap bag he finds in the trunk and begins making the rest of his holiday route on foot.

The problem with suburban towns is the lack of sidewalks, and Levi’s heaving up another hilly road when a black SUV honks twice and pulls up next to him. As he contemplates his luck getting murdered on Christmas day, the window rolls down. It’s Erwin.

“Thought you were Santa Claus with that giant bag, but I see it’s just you, Levi,” Erwin quips. “Need some help?”

“No,” Levi says immediately. Then he remembers his shoulders have not stopped aching since about an hour ago and grudgingly revises. “Okay, yes. My truck broke down.”

He sighs in defeat as Erwin pops open the trunk.

 

They are driving to their first destination when Erwin turns to Levi and says, “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

Levi fusses with the hem of his coat and avoids eye contact.

“Yeah, well. I changed routes.”

“Ah, I see.”

It becomes quiet and Erwin starts drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. Levi can’t stand the awkwardness and so he changes the subject.

“What are you doing out here anyway? Shouldn’t you be celebrating with your family?”

“Well,” Erwin says. “I was on my way back from dinner. It’s my ex-wife’s turn to take the kids for the holidays, so it’s just me this year.” He glances over to Levi. “And you? Must be rough working on a holiday.”

“I volunteered,” Levi replies absently as his mind fixates on the fact that Erwin is divorced.

“That’s incredibly kind of you, Levi,” Erwin says softly. “My last place didn’t have such a luxury. Everyone here must be so grateful.”

Against all odds, Levi feels the tip of his ears go warm.

“It’s nothing.”

The rest of the trip goes by quickly and it isn’t long before Levi is bounding up the steps of his last delivery. The little girl who was crying only moments earlier behind her parents wipes her tears when she realizes Santa didn’t forget her after all, and she hugs Levi before he goes, waving back gleefully in her mother’s arms.

“You’re smiling,” Erwin notes as soon as Levi gets in the car.

Levi immediately frowns. “What? No I’m not.”

Erwin just laughs and starts the engine again.

“Where’s your place? I can drop you off.”

“It’s fine, it’s a bit far from here. Just drop me off at the nearest bus stop.”

“Nonsense.” Erwin hands Levi the GPS and instructs him, “Address please.”

Resigned, Levi punches it in.

 

But fifteen minutes later, as they are passing by the post office he works at, Levi suddenly remembers what he forgot to do.

“Hey, turn around,” Levi says hurriedly. “Can we stop by that food market? The one on that corner.”

“Sure thing,” Erwin says—and Levi grips the passenger handle as Erwin makes a very illegal U-turn.

 

“What did you buy?” Erwin asks when Levi returns to the car.

Looking down at the cardboard box in his hands, Levi simply says, “A slice of cake.”

Erwin quirks an eyebrow. “Late-night cravings?”

“It’s my birthday today,” Levi replies, not knowing why he’s telling Erwin any of this. The words feel foreign against his tongue. In his peripherals, he can see Erwin studying him.

“So it’s Christmas as well as your birthday. And you’re out here making sure everyone gets their gifts.” Erwin huffs out a soft laugh. “You’re truly full of surprises, Levi.”

Levi doesn’t know how to respond to the tone in Erwin’s voice, so he just shrugs, picking at the twine around the box.

The drive to his place is silent. Levi leans against the glass and watches neon lights pass by in blurs—colorful Christmas lights adorned on the lawns and edges of quaint family homes. Through the curtained windows, he can see silhouettes of decorated trees and bustling dinners; and at another house, a group of carolers singing on the front steps, their voices drowned out by the sound of the car.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Erwin asks.

“I guess so," he responds softly. 

 

As they pull up in front of Levi’s house, Erwin turns to him.

“Happy birthday, Levi,” he says. “And Merry Christmas.”

“Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too,” Levi says. He swallows thickly and adds, “And thanks for helping me today. I…I really appreciate it.”

“It was a pleasure saving Christmas with you,” Erwin says with a smile.

Levi can’t help but allow himself a hushed laugh, muttering, “What a strange thing to say.”

He exits the car with a goodbye and heads inside.

\- + -

 

The next morning, there’s a package outside on the front steps of Levi’s house.

Automatically assuming it’s his downstairs neighbor’s, Levi brings it inside to drop it off only to realize that today is a Sunday and there shouldn’t be any deliveries.

He turns the package over to check the mailing address. There is none, other than a handwritten note stating that it’s for him.

Levi doesn’t remember the last time he had anything delivered to him. Anything he would order online, he’d just pick it up during his shifts. Perplexed, he walks up back to his floor and brings it inside.

He opens the plain package where it reveals a flat rectangular box wrapped in gorgeous, festive gift paper. Underneath is a card and written inside, a simple birthday wish signed by Erwin Smith.

Levi just stares at the box, rendered immobile. Then carefully, he unwraps it, crease by crease, making sure not to tear the wrapping paper; and once he does, folds it back up neatly and sets it aside. Anticipation unwillingly thrumming in his heart, Levi opens the box.

Resting on a plume of white tissue paper—a stunningly dark burgundy cashmere scarf.

Taking it out and curling it around his neck, Levi walks up to his bedroom mirror. He stands before his reflection, breathing and still, where he doesn’t move for a long time.

\- + -

 

A few days past the new year, Levi finds the courage to show up at Erwin’s doorstep.

“That burgundy looks great on you. I knew it’d be a good color.”

Levi pulls the scarf around him just a bit tighter. “Thanks,” he says. He holds out a gift bag containing a carton of quality loose tea. “This is for you by the way. Happy new year.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything, Levi,” Erwin says, holding up his hands. “I just wanted to give you a birthday gift.”

Levi still doesn’t know why Erwin would do such a thing. Annoyed, he frowns and gestures impatiently to the gift bag. Erwin sighs, laughing as he accepts it. “Alright, alright. Thank you, Levi.”

Taking that as his cue to leave, Levi prepares to say his goodbyes when Erwin speaks up first.

“Would you like to come in for coffee?” Erwin offers. “I was just in the middle of making some.”

Levi hesitates. He really wants to say no but at the same time, he isn’t sure if he’s being rude by brushing him off after last week. Reluctantly, he replies, “Maybe just for a little bit.”

Once inside the foyer, his body immediately warms up to the central heating. He lets Erwin take his coat and hang it up on the rack behind the door as he observes his surroundings.

The house looks clean but lived in. Toys are scattered all over the floor, as well as cartons of Lysol wipes taking up most corners. Family pictures line a wall in the hallway in between multi-colored crayon scribbles. Yet the kids are nowhere to be seen and it’s quiet.

“Please take a seat in the living room. I’ll be right out with the coffee.”

Levi walks over, feeling out of place. He looks around, and seeing more family photos on the fireplace mantel, goes to take a closer look. He sees photos with and without the woman he saw that day, but all the pictures feature their three kids. Levi isn’t sure of Erwin and his ex-wife’s circumstances, but he can’t help but wonder if it’s hard for Erwin to see these photos as a reminder of happier times.

“Kids grow up so fast, don’t they? Almost five already.”

“Sorry,” Levi says, turning around. “I didn’t mean to snoop.”

Erwin sets the cups on the coffee table, with the milk and sugar on the side.

“No need for apologies, Levi,” Erwin assures. “Those are some of my favorite photos.”

“They are nice. Where are your children right now?”

“Napping. Thankfully.” Erwin smiles but Levi can see him trying to suppress a yawn. “Please, have a seat.”

“Thanks for the coffee,” he says, joining Erwin on the couch.

While Levi dreads small talk, Erwin seems to make it a little easier. They touch upon Levi’s job for a bit, but perhaps because Erwin notices Levi's unwillingness to be chatty, he changes the subject.

Levi learns that Erwin is an architect and used to work at a big firm down in the city; that he and his ex-wife drifted apart but remain on good terms. When she moved to this area after their divorce, he chose to find work here to make it easier for them and the kids, in which Erwin has custody of on the weekends. He tells Levi that it’s a bit too quiet sometimes and that he’s still getting used to breathing in such clean air; and Levi laughs a little at that.

In the middle of their conversation though, Levi starts to feel as if somebody’s watching him. Tentatively, he turns around and sees three pairs of eyes studying him.

“Now when did you guys wake up?” Erwin says amused. “Come here, I want you guys to meet my friend, Levi.”

The kids totter over, curious.

“Hi there,” Levi says awkwardly. The kids don’t seem to notice his tone and they smile.

“Hello, I’m Eren,” says the brunette one. “And this is Mikasa and Armin, my sister and brother.” They both wave shyly.

“Do you want to draw with us?” Mikasa offers quietly, holding up a large sketchbook and a box of crayons.

“Uh, maybe later,” Levi lamely replies.

Mikasa nods in a solemn manner that looks hilarious at her age. Erwin must notice it too because he tries to hide his laugh with a cough.

The kids go over to the dining table where they climb onto the chairs and spread out their art supplies messily. They begin to chat among themselves as they draw, sharing ideas and stories, and Levi has to admit that it’s a bit endearing.

“I guess they can never get bored when they have each other,” Levi observes.

“I’m grateful for that,” Erwin says, his smile fond as he watches them. “They are a handful but at least they don’t run out of things to entertain themselves with.”

“Are they triplets? They don’t look like each other,” Levi points out.

“Ah, my ex-wife and I—we adopted them together,” Erwin responds. He’s staring at his cup, swirling around the half-full coffee inside. He continues, “Originally, we only wanted a boy and a girl—Eren and Mikasa. But then we met Armin and saw how close he was to those two and knew we couldn’t leave him alone.  I’d say it was the best decision we’ve made together.”

Suddenly, Levi is remembering being seven years old and waving goodbye to Isabel and Farlan from a second-story window. There’s a lump in his throat that he tries to swallow down, although the feelings of envy are long gone from his heart.

“You did the right thing,” Levi says after a moment, staring into his own cup. “They are incredibly lucky to have you two.”

Erwin’s voice is heartfelt as he says, “Thank you, Levi.” He sighs deeply. “I think sometimes, I need to be reminded of that.”

The rest of the conversation move onto more light-hearted topics until Levi looks at the time and realizes he has to go home and feed Emanon. 

He’s shuffling his feet into his boots when he feels a tug at the end of his coat. It’s Armin and he’s holding up a piece of paper.

“Mr. Levi, I drew you.” It’s the first time Armin has spoken to him all afternoon. “And Eren and Mikasa helped me color.”

Taking the drawing, Levi sees that he’s portrayed by a blocky body and stick-figure limbs. He wears an uncharacteristically huge grin on his face.

Levi raises an eyebrow. “I look like this to you?”

Armin nods happily, and Levi is unwittingly touched. Levi crouches down and hugs him.

“Thank you so much,” he says sincerely. 

Behind Armin, Erwin observes the drawing.

“Looks just like you, Levi.”

Levi tries to hold back his smile and fails.

 

\- + -

 

Levi doesn’t know what his mother’s face looked like, nor does he know the sound of her voice; and so her face is foggy in his visions and she speaks to him in ethereal tones whenever she appears in his dreams.

He feels connected to her somehow, perhaps by the nine months she cared for and nurtured him in her womb, and while he will never know the details of her death other than that she died shortly after giving birth to Levi, he believes she held him in his arms briefly, if only to judge by the way her touch somehow feels familiar to him in his sleep.

He desperately wishes she was alive and in his life, so he can confide in her about Erwin, who showed up at Levi’s place the other day to ask if he could take Levi out. And upon seeing the hopeful glint in his blue eyes, Levi had relented and said yes, even though he knew it was easier to just say no.

He wishes he had a close friend to tell him if he’s made the right choice about Erwin, who reels him in like gravity, like it’s nothing, like it’s something natural and meant to be. He wishes he had a sibling, to tell him if he looks nice in the outfit he chose for today—a gray dress shirt he found in the far end of his closet, paired with black slacks he’s ironed out at the very last minute.

But ultimately, he swallows down these thoughts like thick, bitter cough syrup and wraps his neck around the burgundy scarf that he considers is his first real gift, longing for his heart to stop lurching; to settle down to a steady bearable pace as he waits for Erwin to pick him up.

\- + -

 

In this moment, as Levi sits across from Erwin in an intimate restaurant downtown, he forgets about old scars carved within him over all these years.

For the first time ever, even if it’s only for the smallest fleeting second, Levi thinks about the future instead of the past.

\- + -

 

Levi was good at hiding. They couldn’t find Levi when he hid in the cupboards in the basement, his knees tucked in all the way up against his chest.

No one could possibly fit in such a small space at his age, so nobody knew where to look; and they would all just leave him alone in the dark, in peace and quiet.

He couldn’t be sure if anyone was really looking for him. But there were eyes everywhere in this orphanage and when he’s in his safe place, no one could see him cry, especially not the little ones who turned to him for strength.

He wasn’t sad. Not at all. But it felt better if he cried so he just needed to be completely alone for a while. He just—

 

Erwin opens the door and finds Levi crouched inside the pantry.

“Found you,” he says, interrupting Levi’s thoughts.

Levi makes a face. “That’s cheating if you help your brats find me.”

“Well, they kept whining for help.” Erwin breaks into an easy grin, saying, “They are cranky, it’s almost their bedtime.”

And so, the kids choose the book they wanted read tonight, and at their insistent request, all five of them crawl under the giant pillow fort Levi helped them build earlier tonight. They are lying down, Eren, Armin and Mikasa crammed in between, as Erwin reads aloud a strange story about green eggs and ham.

Much to their dismay, Erwin doesn’t let them sleep inside their fort and they grumble endlessly as he carries them up to their bedroom to tuck them in. Levi stays behind, staring up at the blankets and thinking about what a weird concept a pillow fort is.

After a while, Erwin crawls back under the fort and lies down next to Levi.

“I just don’t see the appeal,” Levi says.

Erwin turns to his side to look at him. “Appeal of what?”

“Pillow forts.”

Chuckling, Erwin asks him, “Your parents never built you one as a child?”

Levi goes quiet and Erwin picks up on it.

“Hey,” he hedges. “If it’s a sensitive topic, I—“

“It’s not really,” Levi says, trying to keep his voice light. “My mother died giving birth to me and the hospital placed me in the orphanage when nobody came to recover me. At least, that’s how the story goes.”

When Levi doesn't say anything further, Erwin gently asks, “And then what?” 

“I aged out,” Levi replies hollowly. “And here I am.”

“Here you are,” Erwin echoes and reaches for Levi’s hand. Levi lets him.

“I think I was angry for a long time,” Levi confesses after a while. “Felt a lot of sadness too. I felt invisible for many years after that, but things are better now, I guess.”

“Are you happy?”

“I wouldn’t call it that, but I’m not angry or sad anymore.”

“And how did you find your peace?”

Levi exhales softly. “When I moved to this small town and found this job. People know who I am and I mean something to them, so my life has a purpose, don’t you agree?” He smiles. “Even if I’m just their mailman.”

“You’re more than that to me,” Erwin tells him. “You’re so much more.”

Levi turns to him then, casting his eyes on their entwined fingers. He quietly asks, “What am I to you then?”

“Someone who has a lot of layers to them, like a gift wrapped over and over again; so that each time, I discover something new and special about you.”

He brings Levi’s hand to his lips, where he presses a chaste kiss against it. He says, “You’re someone very precious to me, Levi.”

A lot of things start running through Levi’s mind, so instead he just chooses to mutter out, “Some gift I am.”

“The best gift,” Erwin says. He rolls over, snuggling up next to him and bringing them together. “Especially like this. Like my own heated body pillow.”

“God, you’re so embarrassing,” Levi complains. But he doesn’t push Erwin away and soon they fall asleep, just like that, huddled inside their pillow fort.

\- + -

 

Levi hadn’t noticed it at first, but a near-decade long routine starts to change. Quick showers have become long baths at Erwin’s place and cooking dinner for one shifts into dinner for two and sometimes five.

He places corner-guards around his home and sets out paper and boxes of crayons on the off chance the kids are with Erwin when he stops by.

There’s an extra toothbrush for Erwin in his bathroom, while in his nightstand are stacks of drawings that the kids gift him with whenever they see him.

On Sunday nights, after Erwin goes to drop off the kids at their mother’s, he comes over to Levi’s apartment with takeout from a local eatery, occasionally bringing treats and toys for Emanon who has since warmed up to him; and when morning comes, they make breakfast together before Erwin drops him off at the post office on his way to work.

It’s so effortless and comfortable, it’s enough for Levi to believe that he and Erwin—

That he and Erwin can—

\- + -

 

“I think I’m in love with Erwin,” Levi tells Emanon sadly.

Emanon just mewls and rolls over onto her back.

“I guess you wouldn’t have to worry about things like that,” Levi says and rubs her belly.

\- + -

 

“I love you,” Erwin whispers to Levi one night as their limbs tangle in bed. “God, I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Levi cries out and Erwin reaches under to stroke him, causing him to arch as Erwin catches his gasps with his lips; and Levi is coming so hard that he momentarily forgets that he has never felt more terrified saying those three words out loud.

\- + -

 

Ever since Levi was young, he’d imagine he was climbing an infinite stairway, gripping the hand of the person he’s become attached to, and not knowing where it leads.

With Erwin, he’s climbed so high that when Levi looks behind him, he can’t see the bottom anymore; and the higher up he goes, the more unbalanced he feels, exhilarated and anxious and petrified all at once.

Deep inside, Levi truly believes he deserves happiness. But he’s so high up right now, he knows that this time, the fall will inevitably kill him; and he’s not sure if he can trust Erwin to not let go as well

So for the first time in his life, Levi is the one to willingly let go, releasing their hold gently and walking back down this proverbial stairway and into his safe place; back to the comfortable, predictable routines that he knows best.

 

And when he returns home, Levi heads for the bathroom, where there are no windows so that he can be alone in complete and familiar darkness. So he can sit with his back against the door, his knees tucked all the way up to his chest and remind himself that he’s not sad.

It’s just that crying makes him feel better.

And he waits and waits and waits to feel better.

 

And that feeling never comes.

\- + -

 

Until all he wants to do is become invisible again.

\- + -

 

And lets his life move on just like it always has.

\- + -

 

Kenny is on death row.

Levi reads—and rereads and rereads—the letter he’s received from prison, addressed from one Kenny Ackerman, and all Levi wants to do is set something ablaze because it just isn’t _fair_.

He requests a day off and takes the train up there, where he mutely watches the trees go by, trying to think about nothing at all.

And when he sees Kenny—since he had left Levi behind at the orphanage for the very last time all those years ago—Levi does not cry.

“What did you do?” Levi asks hoarsely through the glass pane separating them. “Why are you in here, Kenny?”

“Doesn’t matter now, kid. Been on death row for nearly twenty years,” Kenny says, his voice tinny through the receiver. “I can’t wait to be finally free.”

Levi doesn’t say anything for a long time and Kenny makes an impatient, disgruntled sound.

“Man, I don’t know why I even bothered to contact you, kid. You’re depressing as fuck.”

“Five minutes,” the officer supervising them informs and still, Levi does not cry.

“Your last name is Ackerman.” He finally brings up the question he’s wanted to ask since he got here. He finds it difficult to breathe, clutching the receiver until his knuckles go white. “Who were you to my mother?”

_Who were you to me?_

“Just her rotten big brother,” Kenny replies, letting out a wry laugh. “Nothing more than that.”

 

Levi leaves with a small box of Kenny’s final belongings taken from the prison storage.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” the officer says.

Levi nods numbly, but he’s not sure what it is that he’s lost.

He climbs on the bus that transports the visitors to and from the prison, holding tightly onto the box wedged between his thighs. There isn’t much inside, other than an expensive watch he’s seen before and what looks like the back of a Polaroid with an address scrawled on it.

He turns it over and finds a photo of his mother.

Carefully, Levi puts everything back and shuts the box. He looks out the window and the prison becomes wet and blurry as it disappears into the distance.

\- + -

 

Levi sits down, a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

Gently brushing away the bristles of dried grass from her tombstone, he greets her for the first time.

“Hi, Mom.”

\- + -

 

One autumn day, his coworker, Mike, stops Levi as he starts to clock out and hands him a blank white envelope.

“What’s this?” Levi asks, opening it.

“Not sure, but it’s from the Smith kids,” he replies, clearly amused. “They were quite adamant about it getting to you.”

But Levi doesn’t hear any of it, because inside is a drawing, depicting four unsmiling figures with tears down their faces. 

Underneath, riddled with awful spelling errors and near illegible handwriting, it reads:

_Levi, please come back._

\- + -

 

And so, Levi tries again.

\- + -

 

And counts the steps he takes to walk up to Erwin’s front door.

And counts the thirty seconds it takes for him to ring the doorbell.

And then he waits.

 

\- + -

 

On Christmas day, Levi takes a deep breath—

_It’ll be hard but I can do this._

—and blows out thirty two candles on his birthday cake.

 

\- + -

 

**Author's Note:**

> The title was chosen after the album by The Album Leaf, which was one of the many ambient/post-rock albums I listened to while writing this.
> 
> 2015 really seemed to fly by. Wishing everyone a very happy holidays and positive vibes for the new year! See you all in 2016. ♥


End file.
